She awoke and knew who she was
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I haven't written for a while and I'm not happy about it. "But here I am, and here I stay. Let the storm wage on..." (inspired by Frozen). I have many things in my head that I would love to be able to put down in black and white. "Write down the revelation and make it plain on tablets [blogger] so that whoever reads it may run with it." (Habakkuk 2:2) I won't overthink what I'm going to write about, so enjoy the rawness and simplicity of it. I feel like 70% of my posts are about this topic: the importance of knowing how valuable you are. This is what I want to write about today, as well. Just bear with me.
I think, nowadays it's vital to know who you are; to know your identity. If you are trying to be somebody else than you were meant to be, it makes your life miserable and God can't anoint you, because you're not fully present and you're not being yourself. I can share my own struggles with accepting myself as who God saw me and who I saw myself to be. I even shared a few things in other posts before, as I mentioned at the beginning (70% on this blog). Growing up in a Christian home, my parents were helping me to lay solid foundations and values for my life. But as you know faith isn't something that you can inherit, so I had to have my story to get there. As a child I've been through some things which I didn't know how to process and understand. These tried to single me out. Lies crept in, telling me all the wrong reasons why some things were happening JUST TO ME. Sadly I started believing these lies and then comparing myself to others that were doing better than I was. All these led to insecurities and doubts about believing in my abilities, my strengths and my capabilities. I felt powerless and I didn't chase after dreams, desires or things I enjoyed, those I was called to and was good at, because whenever I saw something which was better and more popular, I changed my attention and started to focus on those. Doing this I lost my own desires and dreams, I was always searching for what others around me would like to see, hear and experience. I didn't know who I was and what I liked. It's as if you loose pieces of yourself on the way of becoming somebody you're not. Going to high school I started to learn more, be better at school and have great grades, because I believed another lie which said that if at least I'm smart I'll be appreciated and loved by others. Being surrounded by godly sisters in my family I started seeing areas where I lack and what I should change in my spiritual walk. So lots of thoughts filled my mind with insufficiency, lack and mistakes. I'm so happy that God saw my heart and didn't give up on me after all those years. He chased me down and told me who I am. It all started a long time ago, but I didn't believe completely what His voice was telling me, till my trip to the States where He engraved my identity into my heart and I knew who I was. It was at the beginning of 2017 in my cousin's house through a painting with a burning heart. The moment which I won't ever forget. That was just the beginning of the journey of a healed heart, who knew who she was. As you may have read in earlier posts entitled USA adventure (III): Rose On Aish, It's about the heart ♥, The process, not perfection and Who are you? , where I described more about what God started doing in me. I thought it won't take so long for me to understand, but it did and I'm fine with it. Even before 2017 God has been encouraging me with living words, telling me I'm beautiful and unique in His eyes, but it didn't penetrate my heart and thoughts enough to start to declare them with my mouth and to believe them with my heart.
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In 2019 He gave me new eyes to see myself in a different way than before. I started to have moments when I looked into the mirror and said that "I like how you look" or "I like how these pants fit you". These comments were huge for me because, although it's hard to believe, I was never satisfied with myself. I was always looking at what I don't like. I was constantly puzzled over the delay in my spiritual advancement, grew restless and longed for huge changes. 2019 was a very hard year for me at my workplace, but I learned to not await acceptance from mere humans, but to receive it from God. I've taken off my eyes of myself and focused on Him, who works in ways I can't imagine or even think about. He showed me what true SHALOM means. Peace which can never be disturbed or stolen by anyone or anything. To find peace in who I was made to be, was what I yearned for. There's a beautiful definition I like from the book of Isaiah in one of the footnotes by the Passion Translation: it "can be translated prosperity, bliss,
wholeness, completeness, health, peace, welfare, safety, soundness,
tranquility, perfectness, fullness, rest, harmony, the absence of
agitation or discord. Shalom comes from a root verb meaning to be complete, perfect, and (paid in) full.” This is what I wanted and still want. After entering this rest and this peace, I heard His voice more clearly and He spoke to me what I needed to hear and I could accept it. My place is with Him and I will remain there in the safety of His presence. His plans for me ask of me to focus on Him, as a captive of love. When I am 100% who I was called to be and am operating as who I am supposed to be, that is when I reflect Jesus most. To be honest, I love to be myself without boundaries and limits, to know that I'm enough and to not be ashamed of mistakes, shortcomings or mishaps. All that which is part of my flesh is temporary and will fade away in the end. Why then focus so much of my attention on them? I found my place, which gives me shalom, but which doesn't mean I'll stop learning each and every day. It just means I enjoy my life and I'm happy that I'm Rose. I will end by using these words:
The girl awoke from her dream. She didn’t remember what she dreamt but she knew it was something really good, because she felt peace enveloping her. So while getting out of bed, she started humming a song. Songs were always in her mind and she enjoyed singing and contemplating on lyrics. Different songs rose inside of her but this time one song was reoccurring which spoke about a love story:
I'm more than what these ashes say
They will fade away when He comes for me
By grace, through faith in Christ I'm saved
I am not the same when He looks at me
I am the Rose, the joy for which You died
And this I know, I move You with delight
And when my heart condemns on every side
I take refuge in the truth: I am the Rose to You
My life is more than meets the eye
I'm hidden now in Christ and I'm one with Him
My love is real before His eyes
He's ravished by the sight of one glance from me
Tim Reimherr- More Than Ashes
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