Sometimes in my routine I think about some topics which are significant for my journey and think that it would be awesome to write it down on my blog. I feel such a sudden flood of lots of ideas, information and thoughts. When it comes to writing them down I try to remember all those great things I had inside of me and I realize they evaporated. Oh, how many times it happened... I can't count. Anyway, I just want to write about the topic that lately was swirling inside of me: being accepted and secure!
After some battle with feeling rejected, I hope I have learned my lesson once and for all, because it was rising up inside of me and then setting again, like the ebb and flow. Insecurity has robbed me of many beautiful moments and made me fight lots of battles in my head. I've been harboring unrealistic expectations for myself and others, which happened unconsciously. I've been very sensitive to people in general, which left me easily and frequently hurt... only because I was creating my own misery of disappointment and hurt. I was thinking about all the things that would make me more lovable, beautiful, confident and securer. I'll list a few of such things: a great man would make me lovable, financial success would make me secure, popularity would make me confident, outer beauty would make me beautiful, etc. Foolishness, I would say. Not one of these could do what I thought or maybe they make you feel like it temporarily, but that's it. They can't answer to our core issues. Hope deferred will make everything even worse, because you hope for something that won't grant you what you're awaiting. It leaves you with an openness that yearns to be filled with the TRUE thing, or should I say the TRUE ONE! This thought never grows old to me: God is good and perfect! There's no imperfection in Him and not a dark spot. My challenge is to let the wholesome, completely secure and healthy part of me (my spirit) overpower my sick, unwholesome and insecure one (my body) until that drives my every relationship, my feelings and my reactions. Then I will realize and believe that God's beauty rests upon me and gives me favor, and makes all the journey here worth it all (Ps. 90:17).
I know God created me for relationship and I also know that rejection hurts more than anything else because of it. But sometimes I perceive rejection when in reality I haven't been really rejected. When I don't have all the attention I think I should have or require it from someone who is willing to give only a portion, I feel rejected and not good enough, even when it's not the case. Sadly it sometimes makes me suffer and I hear it clearly in my head I do not want you! Then like a whole tidal wave is falling over me with all kinds of thoughts like "I'm not worth wanting, loving or even noticing". It's excruciating!!!! Then I realize...and stop. "Hey, have you forgotten that it's all about Jesus? What are you doing? Stop it!" That's the moment when God lifts me up and puts me on His lap and tells me that I'm worth loving, pursuing, fighting for, wanting and oh yes, worth noticing! Whenever I hear these from Him I melt and know that this is what I need! He is the One I need. He is the One who is incapable of rejecting me. He is the One that makes me so fulfilled and happy... and yeah, so beautiful! I don't want to be fooled by my own desires! Everything He gives me is GOOD, PERFECT, wholesome, abundant, sufficient, complete and enough, shining from Heaven with no hidden shadow or darkness and is never subject to change. God was DELIGHTED to give me birth by the truth of His infallible Word so that I would fulfill His chosen destiny for me and become the favorite one out of all His creation! (James 1:16-18 TPT) B. Simmons said the implication of hidden shadow or darkness "is that there is nothing that you will find wrong with God, nothing in Him that could even remotely appear to be evil hiding. The more you get to know Him the more beautiful and holy He becomes." This makes me be like a bird flying freely and enjoying everything I see. Freedom of all those things that kept me from being truly myself, not only rejection, but pride, perfectionism, insecurity, personal limitations, changes, loss, instability, etc. All these have to go because there are better things coming in their places.
I started reading a book by Beth Moore which is called "So Long Insecurity" which really made me think about the things I wrote above. There was a part in the book where she is saying such a beautiful prayer that I need to quote it here. It's a little bit long, but believe me it's so beautiful and honest, helping you to want to pray along with her whenever insecurity, doubts or rejection try to crawl into your head or drive your emotions. So be prepared to read a prayer offered with honesty to God from the depths of Beth's heart:
I come to You this moment because I need some things only You can give me. I need restoration, Lord. I need my dignity back. You alone know what insecurity has cost me, what trouble---even torment---it has caused me. You are intimately acquainted with every time it’s made a fool of me. You know how hard I’ve fought to play the game, but You also know that in the aftermath I’ve been defeated. I am sick of faking. I am sick of sulking. I desperately need and want to be delivered from my chronic insecurity. I am ready to discover what it means to be truly secure. I am willing to do whatever it takes to be free and to allow You to do through me what I cannot do for myself. You are the all-powerful, all-knowing Maker of Heaven and earth and the grand Weaver of every human soul. You alone know how we are made and who we’re meant to be. I’m not asking for anything You are not willing to give me. You have not shortchanged me. I have shortchanged myself and allowed my culture to sell me short.
You know the way I am formed. You know what motivates me. You know what shuts me down. You know how driven I am by fear and how exhausted I am from surrendering to it. Lord, in the most hidden places, I am so afraid that… (fill in the blank)
Deliver me, Lord. You have not given me a spirit of fear but of power, love, and a sound mind. That is what Scripture says. I claim each of those priceless traits as mine this day. Your desire is for me to be free of every unhealthy motivation. Reveal any place they reside uncontested in me, and supply the courage I need to refuse to do their bidding. You have searched the deepest recesses of my heart and mind. I do not need to hide anything from You or act stronger or more together than I am. Help me to come before You with complete transparency, and grant me a supernatural confidence that I am safe with You and loved by You. I don’t have to muster feelings I don’t possess or hang my head in defeat and shame. Because of Your grace, I can come to You just as I am. This is the way I would describe myself to You right now…. (be honest…He knows anyway)
But Lord, You know me better than I know myself. You know why I think like I do and why I feel like I do. You know my every thought. My every disappointment. You know every ugly or ridiculous thing I have ever said or done out of insecurity. You see every fissure in my soul, and You look beyond the point of my failure to the depth of my need. As you reveal Yourself to me, I ask that You also mercifully reveal myself to ME. Grant me insight into patterns I have developed, and give me answers that bring healing. Make me wholly unafraid of anything that I might see in myself in the light You provide. Help me to trust that You only shed light where You are willing to heal.
God, You know the complexities of my soul and that most of the time I can’t even figure myself out. You know how I swing like a dizzy pendulum between self-loathing and self-exaltation. As I begin this prayer of restoration, I ask You, Lord, to help me take responsibility for the insecurity that is my own doing. My own fault. My own sin. I am painfully aware that I have created some of my own misery. I have tried to make a god of myself too many times, and it hasn’t worked! It will never work! In calling me to this time of confession, Your desire is my freedom, not my self-condemnation, so with confidence, I welcome the one and reject the other. With these things in mind, I confess this………… (pour it out).
Please forgive me for my self-worship. For my relentless pursuit of control and for my futile attempts at doing your job. Forgive me for my foolish pride. Forgive me for nursing my ego until it grows so fat that everything touching it bruises it. Forgive me for my miserable self-absorption. Forgive me for the jealousy and covetousness that fee my insecurity. Forgive me for turning too many things into competitions. For being so fixated on what I don’t have that I leave the gifts You have given me undeveloped and much less effective than You intended them to be. Forgive me for thinking pitifully little of the person You have made me. Forgive me for committing the flagrant sin of despising myself and considering myself inferior to others. Forgive me equally for every time I have sighed with relief at the thought that I might be superior after all.
Forgive me for my unbelief. If I realized how valuable I am, my insatiable need for affirmation would be quieted. Forgive me for being such a perfectionist that I resist doing something good out of fear that it won’t be great. Forgive me for the inordinate self protection that has only managed to imprison me.
Forgive me also for… (fill in)
This very moment I receive Your lavish forgiveness and Your complete cleansing and in Your name I release all the shame that has come from self inflicted insecurity.
From now on, Lord, and every day for the rest of my life, heighten my own conviction until I’m instantly aware when insecurity is my own making. Help me to recognize any form of pride or unbelief and to refuse it IMMEDIATELY.
Now, Lord, I ask You to pull up the roots of insecurity that were not of my own doing and usher in healing and restoration. You know every single place where instability has touched my life. You remember details that were long erased from my memory but are still inflicting insecurity. You know what first frightened me into believing that no one and nothing could be trusted and that I am on my own out here in a very unsafe world. You know the rational origin of every irrational fear. You know where I developed a belief system based on the frailties of man instead of the BEDROCK OF YOU. You have been with me every moment, even when I felt there was no one to take care of me. I give You my whole heart. Touch every broken and wounded place with Your healing hand.
Lord, empower me to forgive those who have let me down, failed to protect me, or inflicted injury upon me. Help me to see them as needy, broken people in their own right, and Lord, where there is still life and opportunity, bring redemption to those relationships. Help me to understand the gravity of this juncture: that if I do not seek healing and wholeness, I will instead end up perpetuating the cycle of injury. Break the cycle with me, O Lord. Break the cycle with me!
Lord, come and treat my heart and soul where they have been shattered by loss. No one on earth can esteem the loss of something precious the way You can. You know the pain. You know the unbearable emptiness that can come with loss. You recognize my attempt to fill the void with things that never suffice. You know how my feelings frighten me and how the enemy of my soul would have me believe that I will never be okay. Make a liar out of him, Lord. DO NOT let him win. DO NOT let loss win. Be my gain Lord. Flood my life with purpose and compassion. Be my strength in weakness.
Please do not let me confuse healing with betrayal. Help me to see any place in my life where I am hanging on to my grief or anger in an attempt to hang on to what I have lost. Grant me the gift of healthy grief that does not fight the pain or the process of healing. Lord, please help me to see where I have suffered a substantial loss that I have never regarded. Where I lost innocence, grant me integrity. Where I lost a relationship, grant me true intimacy. Where I lost a home, grant me an internal, unshakable sense of belonging. Where I have held someone responsible for my loss, grant me the ability to forgive. Don’t stop until You have made a miracle of me!
Lord, help me to learn how to hang on tight to You when my life is rocked by dramatic change. Empower me to trust You and not to panic or fight for control. Help me to stop confusing a change in my circumstances with a change in my security status. YOU ARE MY SECURITY, O God! You are the ONE SURE THING. When everything around me shakes, You are unshakable. Nothing has the propensity to reveal false gods to me like a sudden change in my circumstances. Help me to see them and surrender them instantaneously. Use change to provoke what needs changing in me, Lord, and to increase my appreciation of the only One who is the same yesterday, today and forever.
Lord, I now ask You to single out everything You entrusted to me as part of my physical and psychological makeup: personal limitations, my appearance, and my God-given disposition. You knew what you were doing when You formed me in my mother’s womb. Nothing is without purpose. Nothing has thrown off the plan. Every gift, challenge, and obstacle is meant to shape the specific destiny You ordained for me before time began. Your intent is to make a wonder out of me and show what You can do through me. You mean to increase the praise that comes to You because of my life. You want to defy the odds in order to make Yourself conspicuous in me. Please deliver me from self pity and a life of excuses and rationalizations. And Lord, where I have otherwise lapsed into self adoration and self centeredness instead, help me to recognize my narcissism and no longer tolerate it. Of all things, please don’t let it be said that I loved myself too much to fully love anybody else. Please don’t let me gain the world but lose my soul.
Father, help me to see where I am overly sensitive and where I put too much pressure on relationships. Help me to see where I insist on making a situation all about me. I really want to change. Help me to quit saying, “This is just the way I am,” and remind me that I am capable of tremendous transformation with You. Deliver me from insecurity in my relationships. Help me to cease being so easily wounded, but at the same time, keep me from growing hardened. Help me to resign my position as a “game player” and “manipulator” without resigning myself to a life of misuse. Help me to realize that it’s pointless to demand that others love me more or love me better. Real affection cannot be coerced. I cannot put a human in charge of my security without setting him or her up for certain failure! Help me to stop using a person as my mirror and start seeing myself as You alone see me.
Lord, even in the midst of all these requests, I thank You with my whole heart for working so diligently in my life. Yes, there have been people who have hurt me and have done a very poor job of taking Your place, but there have also been people who have shown me glimpses of You. Not perfect people, but genuine people. In particular, I thank You for……
I thank You for all You have done to get me to this place and for the plan You have ahead for me. I come now, Lord, to the apex of my petition: Please restore to my soul all that insecurity has stolen from me. Overturn every single thing the enemy meant for evil into something good. Perform a miracle on me, Lord. Cover me with Your trustworthy hand. Clothe me with strength and dignity. Transform what drives me. Quell what triggers me. Make me a courageous woman [man] in this harrowing culture. One who refuses to be reduced and defined by the media. Help me to make conscious decisions about whether or not the cost of what they are selling is worth buying. Give me the discernment to call a lie…a lie.
Make me the kind of woman [man] a little girl could follow to dignity and security. I actively and deliberately receive---and vow to keep receiving---everything that I have requested in Your will this day. Let this statement reverberate into every corner of my life and invade the bone marrow of my belief system: Today I receive my dignity back No one and nothing can take it from me because You are the One who gave it. Help me to recognize that I've lost my dignity only because I have surrendered it. Empower me to claim it back and hang on to it with all my might. Because of Your mercy, Lord, I am no fool. Only a wise woman [man] shifts her trust to You.
In Jesus' saving and delivering name,