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Learn to be yourself

I'm so ashamed of my delay in posting what I promised to do a couple of months ago. So after these being said I want to start telling you a few of the things I've experienced at the beginning of this year. 

In January I've been in Germany at the Mehr Konferenz in Augsburg, where I had such a great time. Heidi Baker was present and she taught me lots of lessons there. This was the first time I've seen her live and she was a few meters away from me. During worship she said to the leaders: "I don't want to be backstage. I want to be where my family is, before the altar worshiping our Father." This very fact amazed me, because I think leaders have to learn from her: carrying such humility and not seeing themselves higher than others... that's valuable and so Christ-like. 
As I was worshiping God beside her, I felt God speak to my heart about not being less valuable to Him than Heidi and He kept telling me to keep my focus on Him, not on her. That you may see how human I am... I wanted to impress her if she looked over to me. My heart inside of me yelled telling me to stop it and be the one I always was- unique, not faking it for someone's sake. I wrestled with my head which wanted to do foolish things like what I mentioned before. I was fighting against my rationality and wanting to learn God's ways calling out to Him: "Here I am to receive what you have in store for me. Let heaven loose and turn more of Your presence into my life. God, do in this year something that will change my whole life and give me the vision You have in store for me." God was teaching me a lesson here: to not care who is around me, but love Him extravagantly as only I can. Heidi was so focused on God that she didn't even mind with or think about who is worshiping next to her.

When she started speaking my heart was very receptive after that worship moment. Heidi read from one of my favorite chapters: Ephesians 1. "Everything heaven contains has already been lavished upon us as a love gift from our wonderful heavenly Father, the Father of our Lord Jesus- all because He sees us wrapped into Christ. This is why we celebrate Him with all our hearts!" (v.3 TPT). God spoke to my heart. We are all little people, but we have a massive God. One of Heidi's sentences stood out above all else: "He is God, and I am not!" That takes all the pressure off of her and she let's herself yield to His will. She was speaking about being the person God made you to be. God wants you to understand that you are good as you are, you don't have to imitate someone to be acceptable. He made you to be You! As she was speaking I was wrecked by God in such a unprecedented way, because He told me the same things before. I really felt Him singing over me, loving me and hugging me. Then Heidi shared a story that blew me totally away and I've burst into tears. Here it is using her own words:

Every Monday, in Mozambique, I visit my village. It’s just my local village, I like to keep it real– we have 3500 children in our school from there so I like to see their families. And I just sit and hold he poor, spending time loving them…
And on my way back from visiting a mama named Tina, I saw this little, old woman. And she was really poor, you know, her clothes were shredded, and a strange thing was that she was sitting in the sun. And I thought: “Why is this woman sitting in the sun in Mozambique?” It’s hot! At least she should be in the shade.
And I said “What’s your name?” in our local dialect. And she answered me back and said: “I have no name.” And I was undone by that. I thought, how can anyone on earth not be given a name?
And I saw a woman sitting on the edge of a table away from her, and I said “What is her name?” And she said “She has no name, she is blind and she has no name.”
And I’ve often thought about how the believers say that people are nameless and faceless, but Daddy God always gives people a name. Daddy God would never say you’re nameless or faceless or blind, you don’t matter, you’re poor and you don’t matter. God sees each one of us and He knows all the hairs on our head.
So before I shared the beauty of Yeshua, the beauty of his love, I said “Sweetheart, I would like to give you a name. And the name I want to give you is Utalia”– which is “joy” and “you exist”.
And she opens her mouth, and she has like four teeth that are dangling down, she is very old and her teeth are dangling, but she is laughing with joy. And I asked the other woman to call her by name, and she calls her Utalia... Utalia, and she hears her name, she's so happy.
And I said that I believe that Jesus wants to heal your eyes. There’s just the poor and the love of God just sitting there. And I just hugged her and the mercy of God hit this woman and her eyes turned brown. It was so beautiful, so low and slow, the beauty of Jesus. Her eyes go white – grey – brown. She’s opening her eyes and looking around, she can see. The other lady could see that she could see. We’re just in the heat in this extraordinarily poor area, and the joy of the Lord hits her. Then I told her about what Jesus did for her, and how Daddy God loves her and gives her a name, and how beautiful she is. And of course she met Jesus, how could she not? It’s that simple.

After this story we prayed over our own eyes to open that we may see like Jesus sees and do what He does. As if this wasn't enough, God gave me a huge opportunity. As I stood up from the floor, where I stood in meditation and prayer with God, to go to my seat, I spotted Sebastian Lohmer, a German worship leader, sitting alone on his seat. I felt such an urge to stop and speak with him, so I in a way managed to do that, I still have no idea where that courage came from. I'm an introvert, so that's why I ask. As I was telling him that my name's Rose and I'm from Romania he instantly recognized me from Instagram. We talked for a few minutes about our prayer room and our struggle, because of the lack of people and the division that is so characteristic for our region. It was such a sweet moment. Then he prayed for me and I prayed for him. I wanted to pray for him all that God has for him and after I went to my seat God told me to not worry about what I prayed or said, because I need to learn to follow Him and know the identity He has given me. The next day I saw Sebi's wife Veronika Lohmer with their child Immanuel and approached her to tell her a few words. It wasn't even necessary to mention my name because she recognized me, too. I could hardly believe what was happening. And then I received another blow... as I went to Johannes Hartl, the leader of the House of Prayer from Augsburg, he knew who I was, too. He even said that he saw the picture I've posted about our trip to Germany and knew we were going to be there. Then he grabbed me and squeezed me into his arms... at this moment I was shocked and tried to back up a little, because I thought this couldn't be happening to me. I finally came to my senses and asked him if we could take a picture together. He happily accepted and not just that, he searched for the best light and spot just to have a good picture. I have to admit that I felt valued after these moments and I heard God say "I'm well- pleased with you!" After that I met a guy who was in Romania doing missionary work and I translated for him during that time. When he was here I saw God's love in him and I really liked his genuineness and his worship with the guitar. He introduced me to his wife and I was so happy to see them, because I knew that God is doing such a beautiful thing in their lives.
After this conference I didn't want to say "I want to focus on You like Heidi does or play the piano like Veronkia Lohmer or sing like Jenn Johnson!" but I rather said "I WANT TO BE ME AND LIVE AFTER YOUR HEART, MY LOVER! I WANT TO HAVE YOU, YOUR CLOSENESS MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE!" One thing I want you to remember from this post: you are valuable and God wants you to be you and enjoy your journey with Him by focusing on Him! You are more than enough... you're beautiful, unique, talented, loved, and so much more! People may define you by your weaknesses, flaws, and failures, but remember, you are not defined by the areas with which you struggle. You are defined as one who loves God and one whom God loves. That is the essential definition of your life. If you know who you are, if you truly know that you're loved and if you seek to be a lover, you'll be successful. Nothing can separate you from this omnipotent force: His love! Take this love and watch how it destroys strongholds, walls and opens blind eyes. Live in the secret power of His love.