To really know

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I'm so happy to have some time to sit down and write some things that have been on my mind lately. I've been very busy, and my life has been in a hurry, being in haste to do everything and fit everything into the week and then start a new week with the same hectic lifestyle, which was slowly robbing me of joy, concentration, energy, and hobbies or things I like to do for myself. I've been looking at my life and I was seeing how I enjoy my job and all the work I'm doing, but I'm in a constant giving and I don't invest in myself and the things I enjoy doing. I'm grateful that I've been able to travel and spend time with people I love, but the first thing that caught my attention, after having some time away from work and the frantic life, was not having enough time for what's the most important in my life: my connection and intimacy with God either. When I realized this, I started being more aware of where most of my time and energy is going. I started to ask myself questions, and I started remembering conversations I had with God. 

I had a very rough season this year... it's easy to write about it now, but when I was going through it, it was beyond all bearing and I felt like everything is crumbling and falling on me at once. I took shaky steps not knowing where I'm heading, and I was exhausted. I felt like I was crawling on a dusty road in the desert, not having the strength to stand up, but lifting a desperate hand towards God and reaching out to touch at least the hem of His garment, telling Him that I don't understand anything about what is happening in my life at that point, because I thought He is with me leading me to green pastures and still waters. However, it was its contrary, it felt like I'm walking through a cold barren winter scenery without any hope. I failed at things, I thought I was good at, I was misunderstood, I was unsuccessful in trying new things and I had to close a door that I put much effort, hope, love and intention into. All of these brought insecurities up, which I had to deal with and see where my identity lies... again. I was feeling as if I already went through such a season, and I was disappointed that I couldn't handle things better and that I felt hopelessness crawl into my soul, again. I was frustrated with myself and I wanted to be able to say "Even in times of trouble we have a joyful confidence, knowing that our pressures will develop in us patient endurance. And patient endurance will refine our character, and proven character leads us back to hope. And this hope is not a disappointing fantasy, because we can now experience the endless LOVE of God cascading into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who lives in us!" and I wanted so badly to be able to say "if life gets extremely difficult, with many tests, I won't be bewildered as though something strange was overwhelming me. Instead, I'll continue to rejoice, for I, in a measure, have shared in the sufferings of the Anointed One so that I can share in the revelation of His glory and celebrate with ever greater gladness!" I thought, I will be more prepared this time and I will go through it all with a different perspective. But I think I'm never ready for hard times, especially when I feel weak, tired, afraid, and I'm hurting. In that, I had doubts and uncertainties about my life, but I heard God's invitation to take my focus off those things that are happening to me and remember that He is with me and in Him, I can be more than a conqueror. Honestly, the only thing I could do is to not give up and know deep inside that eventually it will turn into good.

The major question was for me: What is the point? What is life? I know these are shocking questions, but we all are faced with them at one point or another, and even multiple times in life. I don't know why, but it's always after the hard season, when I can look back and see God's hand in it and I can be grateful for going through it and for learning priceless lessons. But while in the hardship, I lose focus and my feelings are so strong that I feel like drowning. Through it all, I touched His heart and He touched mine profoundly. God has reminded me of my dreams and vision for my life, and He has shown me that lately I haven't invested and taken any step towards it. I was faced with the reality, that I was more a human-doing than a human-being. Many times we chase the wrong things in our lives. Focusing on doing things will lead me eventually, sooner or later, to the reality that none of those things help me in the end. There's a verse in Jeremiah that was highlighted to me about what really matters and why I live.

"This is what the Lord says: Let not the wise man gloat in his wisdom or the mighty man in his might, or the rich man in his riches. Let them boast in this alone: THAT THEY TRULY KNOW ME AND UNDERSTAND THAT I AM THE LORD WHO IS JUST AND RIGHTEOUS, WHOSE LOVE IS UNFAILING, and that I delight in these things. I, the Lord, have spoken."

Wisdom is not going to save me, wealth is not going to give me power, fame is not going to make me happy, etc. The greatest goal in my life is not to know more, to teach children better, to understand more, to read more books, be smarter, aspire to good things, power or riches,... obviously these are good, but they are not the goal, because at the end of the days, I'm going to realize that all these are of no use to me after I pass away... they are not eternal. Only understanding and knowing God is the only thing that at the end of my life is going to be worth it. I looked at what I'm investing my time in... time, which is the most valuable resource that we have as humans, more than money, energy or strength. The time that goes by, can't ever be recovered. There are noble things that we find ourselves investing in, family, church, service, ministry, studies, marriage and none of them are bad. But I started to ask myself different questions, as I was pondering on everything that has been happening: "What if I focus my life on pursuing what is truly eternal, which is understanding and knowing God? Am I understanding God's character and His plans for my life? I'm so used to pursuing all these goals and dreams and really beautiful things in this world, but in eternity they are not going to have the weight of knowing and understanding God."

God has no problem with me having wisdom, power or wealth, but He says that the rich should not boast or find his glory in his wealth. It's not that God doesn't want you to have anything, that you should be poor, that you couldn't be prosperous, that you need to humble yourself and so on. The thing is that when we boast more in those things than in the glory of the Lord, the danger is that wisdom, power and wealth become an idol in our lives. Because what we focus on is what we glorify. And what we lift up, we worship. 

I don't need more success, more fame, more wealth, more titles, more relationships, more money... what I really need is to know more about God, understand His heart, His character, His attributes, His heartbeat and if I can boast in my life of something, that should be to know and understand God more. That is the true essence, the true glory of life, the purpose: to love Him and be loved by Him, to really know Him and to be known by Him.

If God takes all away from me today, all my dreams, my job, my relationships, my money, my reputation, my knowledge, will I continue to have joy in my heart? Because sometimes we say "the Lord is my joy", but maybe our joy is in our bank account which gives us peace, or our health or our family or the place where we live, but really if all are removed from our lives, will God continue to be our glory, and will He continue to be the peace?

Human beings by nature have this deep desire to know others and to be known, I long to know people and to be truly known and understood. In heaven, it will not matter how much wisdom we had here on earth, how much power we had or how much strength we had. In heaven, the thing that will matter mostly is the glory of God, because that is heaven. Heaven is the complete manifestation of the glory of God. When we contrast the glory of the Lord, the splendor, the weight of the presence of God's beauty, with the glory of our wisdom, our riches, our power, we actually see that it is nothing compared to the immense value of knowing God. 

I decided that I want a life that pursues eternal life. I want to run this life as if I am already about to go to eternity with Him... to walk with Him like Enoch. There's a verse that says "And this is the way to have eternal life- to know you, the only true God, and Jesus Christ, the one you sent to earth." 

There is a big difference between knowing someone and knowing about someone. I can know about the president, I can know his name, where he lives, what his job is, but I still don't know him and he doesn't know me. But I can know God personally, and God can make His heart known to me intimately. God left His written word and in this love letter, I can embrace and understand that many times His ways are not my ways, that His thoughts are not my thoughts, that His way of thinking, acting, and doing, exceed my understanding, and that is what has to give me peace. God told me, "I want you to understand Me. I want you to know Me. I act differently, I work differently, I do things that maybe you don't understand but rest assured and trust. Understand that I have control and that I am sovereign. I govern the entire universe, and I also govern your life." And that is my Peace... He is my Peace! The verse I want to focus on in this season of my life is:

"Remain in Me, and I will remain in you. For a branch cannot produce fruit if it is severed from the vine, and you cannot be fruitful unless you remain in Me. Yes, I am the vine; you are the branches. Those who remain in Me, and I in them, will produce much fruit. For apart from Me you can do nothing."