Even if you don't feel...

The previous week I've had such a spirit of condemnation and shame upon me. I had such a melancholic depression upon me that I thought I'm going crazy. I felt all the pain that I went through in my earlier years and was feeling so sad and dirty. Although I knew I'm in Christ and I'm no longer the same person I was and although I was living my daily life, these feelings haunted me and wouldn't want to leave. It was like a winter season I was experiencing with its cold winds blowing through every part of me, shivering in the cold and vibrating silently like a single leaf that remained there on the tree after autumn. It was weird indeed... unpleasant as well. Then I realized I was focusing on me, how I lived, how I am and how I'm going to be. I was obsessed with seeing the things I lacked in my relationship with the Lord and all the deficiencies in my time with Him. I started searching for reasons why I'm feeling this way. I thought I was living after the books and I was doing good. "I love Jesus and that's the most important thing I need, so why in the world do I go through this stuff." 

But then suddenly it dawned on me: My focus shifted from the Lord. I was thinking all the time that I love God sooo much, but in reality I wasn't! I was focusing on myself, being full of pride that I'm no longer a sinner, I was self-absorbed and so judgmental, always finding fault in everything and everyone, especially myself. Not being satisfied with how much I improved and how much I'm growing, is something that left me empty and alone...it drains away all your power, joy and peace. And when I started comparing my journey and life to others that was my death, in a way. I started praying for life and power, that I may feel strong and feel being the one I knew I was, but couldn't understand why I was not feeling like being it. I declared His love for me and said that I believe it, even though I was feeling abandoned by Him. I was feeling singled-out and thought I'm the only one going through this, but then suddenly I found someone else. Just read what he prayed: "Sorrows fill my heart as I feel helpless, mistreated- I'm all alone, and misery! Come closer to me now, Lord, for I need Your mercy. Turn to me, for my problems seem to be going from bad to worse. Only You can free me from all these troubles! Until You lift this burden, the burden of all my sins, my troubles and trials will be more than I can handle. Can't you feel my pain?" -David. Oh, how these words resonated in my own soul and echoed in my heart. Amazing! Beth Moore said something like this: "When you carry your baggage then you will attract more baggage", which leaves you powerless. I realized we don't have to carry it, throw it off. Whenever I'm sincere with God and tell Him what bothers me and what I'm going through He comes close and I feel Him hugging me. I love those times, but I don't always feel that. In those situations I know He's still there and He doesn't take lightly what we're going through. He feels, respects and esteems it. He knows what we're going through. We need to let God do His thing with us individually, we're gonna love the process. I'm telling all this to myself as well. I have stuff in my life that I walk through, but I need to have a guard and a helper, because I'm human. I like what Jenn Johnson said: "The Holy Spirit becomes this gun pointed to any old self in you that moves. Nothing good comes from looking inclusive. It's pointless. Depressing. Better yet: partner daily life with the Holy Spirit and let Him bring up stuff He wants to deal with on His timing. Sometimes life and issues overwhelm you, they are not yours to carry. Are you perfect? No. Do you need Him? Yes. That's why is He the Helper!"

To be loved by God is the ultimate joy and fulfillment. I want to share something I wrote down when I was going through this season, because I know I'm not alone through my fight and troubles:

"I compared myself and saw how filthy I am and felt miserable. Sorry, Lord. I'm not someone else, I'm Your Rose, Your Princess and Your Lover. You care for me, You love me. Oh, how amazing You are! I'm nothing without Your grace... I can't live without it... I won't ever be able to give what You gave and I'm never going to be perfect, but I am who I am in You, covered up with Your perfectness. I trust You 100% and I know You desire my best. Oh Lord help me by Your Spirit to live a life of integrity, rooting out the secret sin and living a life that is authentic and faithful."

 And look how David put it:

"Lord, direct me throughout my journey so I can experience Your plans for my life. Escort me along the way, take me by the hand and teach me, O God of my increasing salvation, I have wrapped my heart into yours! Give me grace, Lord! Always look at me through Your eyes of love. When You think of me, see me as one You love and care for. Come closer to me now, Lord. Your perfection and faithfulness are my bodyguards."

So, even if you don't feel you're loved and accepted, write Jesus' words deep in your heart and believe them with all your heart, soul, mind and strength: 

As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love.

It preaches for itself, I don't need to tell anything, I only want to highlight the part where we have to remain in this love even if we don't feel it. He told me and tells you:
"Bloom inside of you for Me. Enjoy being the one I made you to be! Love me more than anyone else. Give me your best. Make me the priority love in your life. I'm your Hero and I'm taken with you! You can't do anything to Me that I may love you less, because I am love, it is My 'IS'-ness! I have loved you first, I'm the initiator, thus I'm not loving you for what you do, but for who you are!"